My father passed from Parkinson’s just over 3 years ago, similar dementia to Alzheimer’s but less ‘aggressive’ behaviors. Serious physical degradation as well as mental, his mind took him on frequent pleasant trips, he had friends and would travel and tell me where he went… a lot of the places were ‘recall memories’ and he sounded like he enjoyed all of it, he wasn’t disturbed, confused or frightened by his ‘altered reality’ and the best part was through it all he never forgot who I was when I would see him. <3
Mom just passed last December 17th, she was 87, breast cancer survivor, artificial heart valve replacement two years ago and then liver cancer popped up. She decided that she lived long enough and with Dad being gone she was ready to “
walk towards the Horizon with god holding her hand”. No cancer treatment just pain management. Unfortunately my Mom’s mind was very sharp.. too sharp. She thought and worried about unnecessary things and with that she was resistant to pain medication because she didn’t like a cloudy mind. Fortunately her light tapered off quickly and her pain is now gone.
Interestingly enough, Parkinson’s made my fathers ‘journey to the horizon’ a very long drawn out one, years upon years of mental and physical decline. All through it I thought I was ready for his passing. When he did die I was very very sad. Meanwhile with Mom the cancer diagnose was only months ago and she seemed “fine” until the last several weeks. Her passing for me is nearly a moot point, either I am in denial of my grief, or my mothers acceptance of her fate (which I admire greatly) has brought solace OR the fact that dealing with my siblings with moms approaching death had such a juxtaposition to how the family behaved with dads death that I am glad to not have to deal with their BS anymore…
As cold as it sounds the later holds weight - I live the closest to Mom and Dad, I visited with Dad frequently when he was in the nursing/ hospice facility and we had casual and very enjoyable visits. With Mom there was a delay getting her into a nursing/hospice environment and siblings were putting out directives for expectations of visits and care. Countless scheduled Zoom calls, messaging, emails, agenda’s, charts and 8 x 10 glossy pictures with circles and arrows on them… not the last part, but you get the idea. Meanwhile I just started a new job, two of my brothers and sister are retired…. Not saying they don’t have their own lives to live… but there was a high level of doting over Mom’s “visitations” and expectations of someone being with her, where with Dad there was nothing discussed about ‘who will be with Dad from Monday to Wednesday?’ or any concern if he was feeling alone. I would just pop in several times a week and we would have nice discussions… sometimes obscure ones!
Mom required physical assistance prior to finding an opening at a nursing/hospice facility. Hiring ‘at home’ nursing care was a viable option because my parents were frugal and have the fiscal ability to cover that. Two of my siblings were firm on their position that she needed family to care for her…. well guess which family member lives 25 minutes away compared to the next closest being 2 hours away? Guess which family member felt pressure, felt disregarded and discounted when opinions were asked about availability for care options? Guess which family member adjusted their new work schedule to accommodate 24 hour care?
“Family” is interesting, we are bound by blood, but at what point is blood truly thicker than water? At what point is it ok to leave them behind? I have 4 siblings, after what we have gone through and now that our parents are gone there is only 1 brother that has exhibited decency, understanding and compassion. He is shunned and other siblings speak poorly of him behind his back… he is a very good friend of mine and I love him. Two of my remains siblings I would like to tell them to pound sand. The last sibling retired and living on the west coast for decades, has been rather detached throughout the whole process, offering flippant attitude, comments and jokes during Zoom calls about how “we” should handle things makes me want for him to fade away also.
Pretty sure I should seek therapy. Feeling like I just got a free session here with my “Other Family”.
I always appreciate this community.
Paul
