Stefanie,
I may understand. I know this fellow (me) who bought a second property and was uprooted from his musical circle. Every waking moment of energy was put into keeping both properties going. Instruments gathered dust. Music was still important and appreciated, but the creating of music was lost. That loss was recognized deep inside.
The deep inside loss was often just a murmur as it was clouded and squelched by ‘responsibilities’, traveling to and fro, earning an income and worrying about what would hit the fan next. Sometimes the deep inside loss would roar, and that was released in inappropriate outbursts of anger, often directed towards loved ones, sometimes directed to the self. Because the roar was misinterpreted as an uprising of chaos from afore mentioned tasks, not being recognized as a deep loss, destructive behaviors were being nurtured. This went on for years. Then a messenger came via technology.
An old band mate decided to reproduce songs from 40 years ago. Songs from the basement, from our youth. I was frightened, the callouses were gone, the knowledge was still there but what if the groove was gone? Small steps were taken and the tone blossomed through the darkness, the ‘responsibility’ list grew to include “self-care”. Music is medicine, it is an expression of ourselves, it expresses, anger, fear, sickness, good and bad times. My bad times are still present and the burden of two properties is heavy with over 200 miles separating them. The bass playing brought back memories, one song after another being put out. Then something bad happened.
An inappropriate outburst occurred. I was dismissed from my job with a background of 16 years. The way our society has evolved I was viewed as a threat, not as a Valued Employee who was having trouble. They didn’t bother to reach out, instead I was shunned and let go. I still am reeling and have nightmares. I do recognize that being released is a blessing, with the current imbalance of the worker to job ratio there are many great employment opportunities out there. The truth is all I know is Manufacturing, and much of that field is apathetic, from the holding company CEO through the ranks to the local Plant Manager and Supervisoy teams. This does not align with my work ethic which was learned growing up… no excuse for expressing my truth in an inappropriate way, I own what I did and the unfortunate outcome. Anyhow… POW, just like that the music was gone from my life.
I was really having a blast redoing parts from 40 years past. Reinventing what was a bass line that was obviously influenced by ‘such and such’, and honoring that influence but also adding 4 decades of experience to it. I was having the time of my life with headphones and a Distillate, doing the same track over and over, painting the canvass and then saying… “No I can do this better”. Or “If I play off the lyrics here it will reinforce the dynamics” and even a “Oops! What a very surprising and refreshing ‘happy little accident”, I am going to keep that because of the pure spontaneity of it”. But just like that there was nothing, everything overshadowed by anxiety and job searching and feeling pressure (and judgement) from those around me. No desire to get out of bed let alone have to plug in an instrument, que up a recorder and press play. My mind knew I needed the Music Medicine but my soul was crushed.
It took me nearly two months to open up the case again, to dust off the bass and get back to it. I still don’t have employment and the bank account is getting low. But I have Music, I have an active, engaged role with music. Some days it is just playing along with random YouTube stuff, sometimes focused playing. I may only get a half hour in for a whole week… but THAT matters. Self-care should be everyone’s priority right now. Yes, make sure to love others and help the many that are in need to the best of your ability, but Don’t. Lose. Yourself. in these troubled times.
Stefanie, that was a long winded, self-focused diatribe that hopefully sheds light to you. I hear you. I know what it feels like to “not want to play”.
I have no idea what burden you carry right now. Give yourself permission to set that burden down, pick up that bass and play. It may start off rough and if you do get frustrated, don’t torture yourself… put the bass down, but come back to it. You know deep down inside it can help you, it can help us get through the sh*t show that feels like it won’t end. You got this, you are strong.
Paul (expounding on the same message other forum members have given and sending love to all who need it)
