Helping Youth Deal with Loss

[hammer]

Got a smack in the gut earlier today when I learned that an athlete with a disability (autism) who has skied for the high Nordic team I coach for the past 3-years passed away by his own hands last night.  A senseless loss of life and a shocker for his team mates who supported him  well during his skiing and cross country running. So difficult an event for them to process given that they still tend to see themselves and others their age as invulnerable.  When you get to be my age, the fact that you've had previous experiences with loss helps you deal with it (or numbs you to it).  For the majority of these guys and gals, its the first time they have experienced an even to of this nature this so its been a very hard, very long day.

[pauldo]

Brian, that is truly sad news and indeed difficult for adults as well as peers to process.  Other than giving my condolences all I can offer is;  This opens up a fine opportunity to let teammates/ classmates know that if they have conflicting feelings about life and their position in it, that talking about it can break down that "nobody understands me" complex.

Well wishes for you and your community as you take things day by day.

[edwardofhuncote]

Tough situation for anybody Brian... even if you've already seen it a few times. Like Paul says, the best you can make of it at this point is in trying to help someone else. Wish I had better advice... I'll add my condolences.

[David Houck]

Holding you and your team in my heart.

[hammer]

Thanks for the support.

What do we do as a society in raising our boys and young men in such a fashion that they don't allow themselves to grieve.  The young women whom I coach have shed tears, hugged each other and grown closer as a result. The young men, are hurting. You can see it in their eyes...hear it in their voices, but they see the sheding of tears for someone for whom they cared deeply as a weakness rather than a strength.

[David Houck]

"What do we do"

Teach.  Share our experience.

Our culture embeds within us in our formative years the idea that we should cover over our hearts.  Then, as adults, many of us find it difficult to open our hearts.  To change the culture, we share our experience with others; we share that a closed heart suffers, and an open heart is joyful.

It is a slow process; we will probably not see significant progress within our own lifetime.  But it is important work; and what little each of us is able to do, changes the world forever.

[pauldo]

Dave is inspirational.  I have added these first two lines after writing all that is below, I sit here awaiting the sunrise with my aged dog finally resting next to me and typed out a therapy session - I would like to share my experience.



to add - for the last several years my wife has been going to a conferance that is only for women and is focused on herbal and holistic ideas.  She returns from it with knowledge and a complete re-boot from our world.


This year she shared a message that one of the speakers had said and it struck a very deep chord in me.  (I paraphrase the best I can) The majority of the people in our society are traveling through life with a broken heart.  When she told me this tears began rolling out of my eyes* 'I have a broken heart'.


My personal reflection is that it is not the traditional broken heart because a high school crush left you for someone else.  It is a broken heart because the fundamental core being of BEING has been suffocated.  As Dave said our society has conditioned us, and as we become more "advanced" and "progress" we are leaving love and respect behind.


Now we can (and should) be practicing love and respect with everyone we meet everyday (again, plagiarizing Dave), but for me personally, I have to work VERY hard to be able to ignore the long, long, insurmountable path that we are facing for a significant change to occur.  If you turn on a radio /TV, read the paper, watch how people interact/ avoid others, you are reminded that our society is focused on so many wrong things, hate, power, materialism, entitlement, ignorance . . . it is like a disease. 


it makes me cry.


Everyday I need to really have a good "self talk" about remembering to share love and respect with everything I do.  Unfortunately I have been brainwashed and the reprogramming process is difficult, my ego takes over and laughs - it makes me cry.








* it has been way too long since I have had a snot running, sobbing, gasping for air cry - I know I need it, I have personally had some things happen in my life that warrant it . . . it won't come, my ego blocks it - instead tears roll out and my cheeks get wet.

[hammer]

Dave and Paul


So much truth and inspiration to what both of you have stated.  Being socialized as males in our culture to deny that we all experience emotional pain takes away a critical piece of our humanness. Acknowledging our emotional experiences, good and bad, and taking the "risk" to reach out to others for support and to share is what helps one live life to its fullest.


I'm happy to say I was able to observe a good deal of that go on this morning at a team gathering. Between downing 360 pancakes and 14 dozen eggs, the 57 guys on the team cried, laughed, and probably both gave and received more emotionally genuine hugs than they have experienced  in their relatively short lives. Although it's a process that never really ends I'm encouraged to see that these young men are headed in the right direction and learning something critically important along the way. That, more than anything else, may be the positive legacy arising out of this tragedy that their team mate has left to them.  Rest in Peace, Kelton.

[David Houck]

Paul and Brian; beautiful.  And this ...

The majority of the people in our society are traveling through life with a broken heart.  When she told me this tears began rolling out of my eyes 'I have a broken heart'.

My personal reflection is that it is not the traditional broken heart because a high school crush left you for someone else.  It is a broken heart because the fundamental core being of BEING has been suffocated.