Ok, my attempt at humor

[Joe Schwartz (the_schwartz)]

The gig is going well. The band is unbelievably in a groove and in the back of the club can be seen a record company scout.
 
The singer thinks: Yes, this is my big break. I'm going to be rich and can support my designer drug habit.
 
The guitar player thinks: Yes, we're going to make it. The girls will all love me  and I can finally get that '59 Les Paul.
 
The drummer thinks: Yes, This is it, I can finally buy all the gear I want.
 
The bass player thinks: 1--1--5--1--4--5--1--5--1

[Charles David Tichenor (alembic76407)]

joe, this is a room full of bass players, and sometimes the truth hurts, but I thought it was funny !!!!!!!

[John Stefancik (jet_powers)]

How can you tell a trombone player's kid at the playground?
 
He can slide real well but can't swing for shit.

[Joe Schwartz (the_schwartz)]

Many of us have probably committed at least one of these:
 
 
BASS PLAYER OFFENSES
 
NAME OF OFFENDER: ___________________________
INFRACTION DATE: _____________________________
 
MUSICAL OFFENSES FINES:
 
[ ] Playing loudly during warm up $10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake $10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake $20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
[ ] Asking for E tuning note $25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line $50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line $75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
[ ] Playing eighth notes $5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo $75
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo $100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad $200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo $250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000
 
UPRIGHT PLAYERS
 
[ ] Showing up before first downbeat $25
[ ] Playing audibly $25
[ ] Faking changes $25
[ ] Slapping $150
[ ] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
[ ] Excessive sweating $25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo $30
[ ] Accepting solo when offered $50
[ ] Taking second chorus $100
[ ] Playing solo arco $400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
[ ] Playing A Train ending on every tune $200
[ ] Playing extended A Train ending on every tune $500
 
ELECTRIC PLAYERS
 
[ ] Checking hair between tunes $15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters $25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
[ ] Playing with a pick $50
[ ] Tuning during ballad $30
[ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
[ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord $50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord $100
[ ] Long gliss down to final note $200
 
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
 
[ ] Forgetting strap $10
[ ] Changing strings after every set $15
[ ] Using electric tuner $15
[ ] Setting up mic just in case $75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on $40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass $150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass $500
 
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
 
[ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
[ ] Asking bone player about their day gig $10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break $10
[ ] Quoting Birdland $25
[ ] Practicing scales during break $25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo $50
[ ] Practicing $150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with When I was a guitar player... $50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are into sequencing $10
 
BASIC STUPIDITY
 
[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts $20
[ ] Continually asking where are we? $25
[ ] Continually shouting Yeah! $25
[ ] Asking bone player where 1 is $50
[ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's $100

[Paul Lindemans (palembic)]

Shit ... I lost a fortune in this game!

[Mike Addyman Sr. (dadabass2001)]

Alright! So where can I get a Buddy Rich tour T-shirt (besides off of Buddys next of kin)? And where are we?
 
I'm with Paul in the losses column.