Q:What did the drummer ask the singer?
A:Do you want this too fast or too slow?
A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decides to learn how to play some real musical instruments. He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches the store clerk, and says I'll take that red trumpet over there and that accordion. The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and replies OK, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay.
Q:What do you call a beautiful woman on a keyboard player's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What are the three most difficult years in a bass player's life?
A: Second grade.
Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing (attributed to Tony Levin)
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.
And God heard this funkiness and He said, Go man, go. And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.
And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying Don't do that!
Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)
And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts.
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled, and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.
And He said, O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of.
And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer.
You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass.
And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say Wow but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night.
And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink.
Yea, and it was so.
http://www.jtblues.com/jokes.html Q. How many good bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one. But good luck trying to find him.
Q. What do you call a bass player with a beeper?
A. An optimist.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
A bass player was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the alpine meadow. The bass player took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?
The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact number of sheep, so he said Sure. The bass player guessed You have 287 sheep, to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly how many sheep he had. The bass player got all excited and asked Can I pick out my sheep now? and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The bass player selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him.
The shepherd then asked If I guess what your occupation is, can I have my sheep back? The bass player was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed You're a bass player, aren't you? The bass player was very surprised and asked, How did you know?
The shepherd responded, Put the dog down and we'll talk about it.
http://www.hueymcdonald.com/bassjokes.htm Q: What's the difference between a bass player and a mutual fund?
A: One matures.
Son: Daddy, I want to grow up and be a bass player.
Father: Son, you can't have it both ways.
http://www.tenstorylove.com/bassjoke.html Q: How can you tell if a singer's knocking on your door?
A: They don't have the key and they don't know when to come in.
...guy walks into a fingerstyle guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. He plays so beautifully that before he has finished the song, he has attracted a crowd of fingerstlye guitarist onlookers.
What is that strange tuning?! he is asked.
EADGBE he replies.
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a pizza ?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
