Author Topic: Big decision, need advice (Read 249 times)

glocke · « **on:** January 06, 2007, 05:52:38 AM »

Hi Everyone,

I have BIG decision to make, and once again am turning to this board for input and advice.

My father ecently passed away, my mother is still alive, but in poor health. They have modest ranch house on 3.5 acres in a very rural and secluded area of PA about an hour north of philly. I have the chance to buy by paying off the reverse mortgage ($150,00). The value of the land and house is probably over $300,00.

My current house is a townhouse 30 min north of philly that backs up to a busy highway. The positive side of my current locationis that it is close to work, major highways, and stores. The negative is that it has alot of traffic noise, and is a townhouse.

The positive side of my paretns rancher is that it is very quiet, on a significacnt amount of land so Id have privacy, and is a single family home. The negative is that it is almost an hour to work, 20-30 minutes to a supermarket, and far from major highways (i.e. I-95). I would also probably end up living with my mom there also.

Any suggestions/feedback, or input?

cozmik_cowboy · « **Reply #1 on:** January 06, 2007, 06:28:58 AM »

Neighbors? We don't need no stinkin' neighbors! While this, like neck wood and string number, is a matter of what works for you, I would not hesitate to trade an urban townhouse for a rural house. Peace and quiet when you want it, and full volume when you want it. Sex in the yard. If anything you do, um, skirts the law, you can do it with less paranoia (and no need for Bill's number on speed dial). From everything I've heard, at least in northern IL houses appreciate, townhouses depreciate. We live in a smaller farm & university town, and my wife works in the midst of the megopolis. She says the hour commute is worth it when she hits the cornfields and all the tension dissapates. I'd say go for it.

Peter

rami · « **Reply #2 on:** January 06, 2007, 06:29:33 AM »

Hey Greg,

How about selling both and finding a place that suits you more and is more accommodating for your mom? I'd feel very uncomfortable leaving her alone in such a secluded area.

Rami

P.S. My sincerest condolences for the loss of your dad.

(Message edited by rami on January 06, 2007)

glocke · « **Reply #3 on:** January 06, 2007, 06:34:27 AM »

Hi Rami,

Well, the thing is, she has basically said she wants to spend her last days in her house, an dhaving her pack up and move would be too much of a strain for her. Currently, she is close enough to me (30 min) that I can go up there if there is a problem.

ajdover · « **Reply #4 on:** January 06, 2007, 07:01:27 AM »

I lost both my parents within 90 days of each other about six years ago. I'd offer this.

If your mom wants to spend her last days in her own house, my recommendation is you do what you need to to make it happen. She spent a lifetime caring about you, your siblings (if you have them), grandchildren (again, if they're there), and the least you (or any of us, in a similar situation) can do is to make her last years the way she wants them to be.

We did this for my mom. After my Dad died, we didn't know what would happen. Well, all of her illnesses came to a head, and we (my four brothers and four sisters) had to make a decision - do we put her in a home, or give her what she wants, which is to be in her own home? We decided to give her what she wanted. We ended up doing a lot of work, lots of personal care (my sisters and my sister in law Rose are saints for that), but it was worth it. She got what she wanted, and went out in a place that was familiar and comfortable to her.

If buying the rancher and having your mom live with you will make her remaining years that more pleasant, I unhesitatingly say do it. As in my case, I think she's earned it.

My two cents,

Alan

(Message edited by ajdover on January 06, 2007)

inthelows · « **Reply #5 on:** January 06, 2007, 07:36:57 AM »

I agree with AJ. What happens after the fact of your mother passing (ie. bills, property issues) IMHO are secondary to the physical and emotional care needed now.
Cell phones are here, things like Life Alert and other emergency call devices are here so being away from her means she canget care in an emergency in required.
Being moble and out from the intercity limits may be at first glance a pain or inconvenience, but until you're there all the time you won't really know about all those shotcuts.
Tough choices are never easy, but I'm sure you already know the right thing to do!
Best of luck.
NLP

keith_h · « **Reply #6 on:** January 06, 2007, 07:59:28 AM »

I was going to say something similar to Alan but he beat me to it. My Dad just past away this past November. He wanted to stay at home and pass away there. My folks live about 9 hours away so I spent part of October and most of November at their house. Even though it was work I think my Dad was much more peaceful and comfortable being in a place he knew. All in all I think it was worth it for him, my mom and myself. Where we diverge is on our mothers wish on where to live. In my case she is planning to move closer to either my sister or myself. In either case it gets her closer to family who can help look after her and help her when the time comes. To me this is the way it should be since she along with Dad did spend their time and love with us children.

So to sum it up I would try to do whatever I could to fulfill your mothers wishes. In the long run I think you will feel better for doing it.

Keith

richbass939 · « **Reply #7 on:** January 06, 2007, 12:07:26 PM »

Gregory,
My heart goes out to you on this one, as I have been there. My dad died in Feb, 2000. Six months later my mom had a series of fairly serious strokes. Two years later she died. She really wanted to stay in her home of 30 years. She got to live there for all but the last 3 months or so.
As far as the practical side goes, as Normand mentioned, there is a lot of technology that can help out such as life alerts, long range walkie talkies, internet cams, etc. All that stuff could help put your mind at ease about her being home alone.
Are there any neighbors close by who could drop in on a regular or emergency basis?
Is there some sort of public transportation available nearby? Could you drive 10 minutes to a park-and-ride and take a bus or train to work? You could work on a laptop (work-work or personal business), read a book, listen to tunes, etc. to make you feel like you aren't wasting the extra commute time. You could plan your trips to the store a bit better and not have to go as often. Maybe you could do all your shopping on the way home from the park-and-ride.
Do you have a trusted friend who could rent your house? That would allow you to keep the townhome and maybe even generate some income.
Could you move to the ranch without having to buy the property? I'm assuming that there isn't an immediate need to shift the mortgage payment away from your mother's finances.
Is there a significant other in your life who is/would be affected by your decision?
I'm not asking these questions because they need to be answered on this thread, but for you to ask yourself and factor into your decision.
All the best to you, my friend. I know these are difficult times.
Rich

lbpesq · « **Reply #8 on:** January 06, 2007, 12:52:30 PM »

Greg:

I say go for the country. Yes, it can be a hassle to be so far from things, but in my experience when I've lived a little more off the beaten path, you'll find you adjust by getting everything done in one trip to town. Cherish the time with your mom. My dad started showing signs of Alzheimer's shortly after he retired at 80. My mom cared for him as long as she could and he has been in an Alzheimer's home for the last 14 months or so. One of my brothers wanted them to move down to North Carolina near him, but my mom has her own life in NY and wanted to stay. I thought she should be wherever she wants, so she's at home and visits my dad every day and can still volunteer at Lincoln Center and see her friends.

There may be another advantage - musically you're likely to be the big fish in a small pond - I'm sure the local musicians would love a bass player.

Just one caveat - Don't take Peter's advice (sex in the yard) unless your mother is out! LOL

Bill, tgo

dadabass2001 · « **Reply #9 on:** January 06, 2007, 01:01:50 PM »

Hi Greg,
Sorry for the loss of your father. I just want to add my vote to those above who understand that family is everything, definately moreso than work or convenience, imho. I'd say try to give your mom what she wants. You and she will reap large karmic rewards. It's just right.
Mike

keurosix · « **Reply #10 on:** January 08, 2007, 05:49:47 PM »

Greg,
Sorry to hear about your dad.
As a Realtor in CT, my advice would be to cancel the RAM (Reverse Mortgage) at all costs so that you can keep the property value in the family, and not hand it over to the bank when mom passes. You might be able to refinance her home and still keep yours. Talk to a creative banker in your state to consider all your options. 3.5 acres is really nice in any state! You might be able to subdivide it and sell off a little to keep the majority for yourself if money's tight too. Don't let it slip away! Real Estate is always the best investment.
Kris

glocke · « **Reply #11 on:** January 09, 2007, 05:58:32 AM »

Thanks for all of the great advice everyone.
I am glad to hear other people voice what my gut instinct is, to take care of my mother and make sure she is happy in her twilight years, and that is something that is more important than my social and jamming life...
I have two brothers that see it different, one is out of the country and hasnt bothered to make it back (not even for the funeral), and one that wants to just have her move in with him due to the convienice of that arrangement.

Kris,

good advice, but she needs that income for now, but her RM is a little fishy sounding, for one they are charging mortgage insurance, which is a little strange...

Thanks again everynone!

David Houck · « **Reply #12 on:** January 10, 2007, 05:39:12 PM »

Lots of great responses above. I just wanted to add that I agree with Kris; when I read the words reverse mortgage, alarms went off. If you don't do anything else, you might want to at least look into refinancing the property.

keurosix · « **Reply #13 on:** January 11, 2007, 05:02:53 PM »

Greg,
Not to sound redundant, but you should seriously look into cancelling that reverse mortgage. If you could do that by financing $150k for a property with ~$300k value, that's quite a lot of equity. You could refinance it and also take out a big amount of cash to put away in the bank so mom could live on that for a long time. You might be able to get enough cash out to pay off your own mortgage too, and rent or sell your home later, etc. Lots of choices with a lot of equity. But that reverse mortgage means when mom goes, so does her property, and the bank will profit from all that equity. Talk to an attorney and a Mortgage banker ASAP! Your mom would be most happy to see you benefit from Dad's and her hard work rather than the mean ol' banker. God give you wisdom on this important decision.
Kris

glocke · « **Reply #14 on:** January 12, 2007, 03:27:01 AM »

Kris,

Kris, are you telling me that if 150k is paid out on the house, and the house is worth 300k-400k, the bank (and not the estate, meaning my brothers and I), will get whats left over in equity?

That just does not sound right.

In any case, canceling the RM isnt possible at this time, since my mom needs the income for now. I am currently in the process of cleaning my house up and getting it ready to put on the market in a couple of months. Once mine is sold than I will have my mom gift me the equity, and I will get a another mortgage to pay off what the RM has paid out.

This means I will be moving in with my mom, which will be a strain and burden for me, but I do love her, and want to see her remainig years be as happy as possible.