Heard any good jokes lately?

[richbass939]

Our local Kiwanis club does a comedy show every year (this will be the 65th annual show, I think.)  Think of it as a Saturday Night Live type of format, skits, music, etc.  Between acts the MC tells a joke and introduces the next bit.  
In a few days we will begin writing this year's show.  Do you know a good joke that the MC could use that maybe everyone hasn't heard yet?
The show doesn't get extremely dirty, but it is an adult show and can get pretty racy at times. Small town humor works very well, hospital/doctor jokes, city council, sheriff/PD, bar/local hangout, almost anything could work.  Also, skit or funny song ideas are welcome.
 
No subject is necessarily off limits and I won't be offended, but IF YOU THINK YOUR JOKE MIGHT BRING A NEGATIVE REACTION from any of our Alembic club brethren/sistren, you can email it to me at
foster939@msn.com
and please put Alembic club joke in the subject line so it won't go straight into the virtual round file.
Thank you for your help.  This show is, believe it or not, the big event of the year in this town.  When tickets go on sale, typically in the middle of February, people sit in line, outside, day and night, for up to 2 1/2 days to buy them.  And, yes, there have been years when the temp hit about 0 degrees F.
This is the club's big fundraiser for the year.  We sponsor the local Special Olympics, many college scholarships, other local charities, etc. with the money we raise as well as have a really good time (don't even mention Ouzo any other time of the year.)
So, thank you for your support of our local Kiwanis club and community.
Rich

[serialnumber12]

....
 
(Message edited by serialnumber12 on January 03, 2010)

[serialnumber12]

speaking of Jokes ...can anyone read this?

[pauldo]

Did ya hear this one?
 
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One muffin says Gee it's getting hot in here.
The other muffin says Holy CRAP! a talking muffin!

[bassfingers]

Two cannibals eating a stand-up comedian.
One says Does this taste funny to you?.

[cozmik_cowboy]

Oops - double.
Peter
 
(Message edited by cozmik_cowboy on January 02, 2010)

[cozmik_cowboy]

Well, no good ones, but -  
 
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
 
Peter

[slawie]

The band had just finished the second set and were walking off stage to their table when they turned around to see Barry the Bass player punching the crap out of some kid on stage.
The lead singer called out Hey Barry what's up?
Barry replied This little prick has detuned one of my strings
The lead singer said Don't you think your force is a little excessive?
Barry replied  Not really he wont tell me which string it was

[bigredbass]

. . so the old farmer walks out on his porch early one morning, and his old bloodhound looks dead.  Calls the vet out to the farm.  
 
Vet says,'looks dead to me Ezra, but let me get something out of the car to be sure'.  Walks out to his car and pulls a big yellow tomcat out of a cage in the back seat, walks up on the porch with it and waves it right in the dog's face.  Cat's hissin' like crazy, the bloodhound never even twitches an eyebrow.
 
'Sorry, he's gone, I'm sure now'.  Puts the cat back in the car, walks back up to the porch.
 
'Well, doc, what do I owe you?'  The vet says 'well, that'll be $525.'  Ezra almost faints dead away, asks the vet how on earth this could cost five-hundred and twenty-five dollars!?!?
 
'It's $25 for the house call, and 500 bucks for the cat scan!'